this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
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Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
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You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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