hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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