I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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