It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
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When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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