I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I wish there were birth control emojis
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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