he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
please don't ironically join a cult
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