Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize