I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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