i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
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No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
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I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
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