Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize