Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
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i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
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Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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