tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize