my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
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You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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