They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
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i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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