When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
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She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
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I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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