I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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