just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
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May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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