What did we do last night that was yellow?
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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