I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
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She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
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WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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