obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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