I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize