i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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