i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
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