Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
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I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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