when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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