i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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