I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
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he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
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Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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