Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
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he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
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I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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