I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize