"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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