My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize