hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
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I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
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Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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