can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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