I am in a vortex of obligation.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
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Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
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after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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