Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
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Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
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How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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