How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
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I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
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did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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