I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
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we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
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And then the night went full on bisexual.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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