My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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