You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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