dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize