I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
operation harelip BJ is a go
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
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One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
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I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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