I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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