So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize