I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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