nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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