I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
