Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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