Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
