When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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