How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
In America we eat man semen.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Randomize
