Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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