I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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