I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
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The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
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I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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