"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
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there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
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I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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